You could shake your head with painful memories of large dollar amounts lost, and swear on a stack of Bibles that you will never again be foolish enough to engage in a shoot-out with the One-Armed Bandit, but who are you kidding? Maybe, with a little luck, you will be able to resist the call of the slot machine for a few weeks, perhaps even a month or two. But you know damn well that you will be back for a rematch eventually. You can not just let that Bandit win so effortlessly, can you? No way.

It is just a machine, in the end, with a “brain” comprised of wires and microchips. You, however, safe online gambling are a living, breathing entity with the capacity for critical thinking and self-reflection. If humankind is to possess any hope at all in surviving the worldwide war against machines that surely will come some day, we’d better at least be able to beat the slots. Think of the matter in the sort of sweeping historical context and you shall see that it is not simply a choice but an obligation that you can get back on the horse as quickly as possible.

Before launching on your noble quest in defense of humanity, it would be wise to review some basic information and arm yourself with five crucial tips to success.

You might not know that the slot machine passes by different names in overseas nations. By way of example, in the United Kingdom, it’s called a fruit machine (no jokes about British drag queens, please.) In Australia, the slot is called a “poker machine,” which is much more confusing, but what can you expect from a culture that gives outdoor grills the name of a little girl’s toy? (Let it sink in for a minute, you will get it.)

Anyway, traditional American slot machines are coin-operated and contain three or maybe more reels, which spin when a lever on the side of the machine is pulled. The machines include a currency detector that validates the money inserted to play. The equipment typically pays off according to patterns of symbols visible in the event the reels stop.

OK, enough for the description. Essentially, onto those tips who were promised a few paragraphs ago:

Become intimately familiar with each slot machine’s payout schedule. Two identical slot machines will often have radically different payouts. This matters, people.

Look for advertised slot machines offering 96-98% paybacks. Most casinos usually have a couple of banks or carousels of high percentage payback slots, which is where you should play.

Join the casino players club wherever you gamble regularly. Casinos reward players for time and money spent. Even when you don’t hit the jackpot, you could still receive comps like meals, discount hotel rooms, and other perks.

This should be a no-brainer, but only play the slot machines you can afford and only spend money you may risk losing. Seriously.

Walk away when you are losing and become irritated. Playing slot machines is supposed to be an enjoyable pastime, not really a source of ulcer-inducing frustration. When it’s no longer fun, go get a drink and some fresh air.