You may shake your head with painful memories of large dollar amounts lost, and swear on a stack of Bibles that you’re going to never again be foolish enough to engage in a shoot-out with the One-Armed Bandit, but who are you kidding? Maybe, with a little luck, you will be able to resist the call of the slot machine for a few weeks, perhaps even a month or two. But you know damn well that you’ll be back for a rematch sooner or later. You can’t just let that Bandit win so effortlessly, can you? No way.

It’s just a machine, of course, with a “brain” comprised of wires and microchips. You, in contrast, are a living, breathing entity with the capacity for critical thinking and self-reflection. If humankind is to possess any hope at all in surviving the worldwide war against machines that surely will come some day, we would better at least be able to beat the slots. Think of the matter within this kind of sweeping historical context and also you shall see that it is not simply a choice but an obligation that you should get back on the horse immediately.

Before launching on your noble quest in defense of humanity, it would be wise to review some basic information and arm yourself with five crucial tips to success.

You may not know that the slot machine goes by different names in overseas nations. For instance, in the United Kingdom, it’s called a fruit machine (no jokes about British drag queens, please.) In Australia, the slot is called a “poker machine,” which is even more information confusing, but what can you expect from a culture that gives outdoor grills the name of just a little girl’s toy? (Let it sink in for a minute, you definitely will get it.)

Anyway, traditional American slot machines are coin-operated and contain three or more reels, which spin any time a lever on the side of the machine is pulled. The machines include a currency detector that validates the cash inserted to play. The equipment typically pays off determined by patterns of symbols visible when the reels stop.

OK, enough for the description. Now, onto those tips which were promised a couple of paragraphs ago:

Become intimately acquainted with each slot machine’s payout schedule. Two identical slot machines will often have radically different payouts. This matters, people.

Look for advertised slot machines offering 96-98% paybacks. Most casinos usually have a number of banks or carousels of high percentage payback slots, and this is in which you should play.

Join the casino players club wherever you gamble regularly. Casinos reward players for money and time spent. Even when you do not hit the jackpot, you could still receive comps like meals, discount hotel rooms, and other perks.

This should be a no-brainer, but only play the slot machines you can afford and only spend money you can risk losing. Seriously.

Walk away when you are losing and become irritated. Playing slot machines is supposed to be an enjoyable pastime, not only a source of ulcer-inducing frustration. When it’s no longer fun, go get a drink and some fresh air.